Under pressure

A few months ago, I realized that whenever I thought about earning a living, I felt it was necessary for the job to include some level of stress, hard mental or physical work, impossible deadlines, dealing with difficult people, basically some kind of overwhelm... Having someone's emergency suddenly becoming my priority!  For it to be truly a job that would be valued in my mind, it had to involve me coming home totally exhausted, broken on the verge of break down!  And then, dreading to go the next day because of the above!  Yet, doing it anyway! Oh... and complaining about it at home to anyone willing to listen.

Here I was living in a country town because I had decided to move away from the city's rush, traffic jam and pressure, to give a chance to my family to live with more time to ourselves to enjoy life, but I was creating it all over again. That's when I realized, I was the culprit. The geographical location of my life didn't matter. I had to stop and think about why and how I was putting myself under so much pressure. I was moving with my messed up head!

COVID hiatus certainly helped in realizing the crazy pressure I would put myself under. It also helped me realize that everything was the perspective I was looking at things from. Suddenly, all these "important" things were not so important anymore. I was lucky in that my job was not one that never stopped. Those brave women and men burnt the candle from both ends.

So, what was wrong with me? I was making myself busy and over busy all the time. My head always came up with something else to squeeze into my schedule.

 

I started realizing that two things were my issues. The first problem was that I didn't know how to say NO. The second problem was that I was convinced I had to prove myself, or I would be found out. Basically, a big case of imposter syndrome! 

Never able to say NO is really hard because you basically loose sight of what you really want and what you really like.  Life fills up with others needs and asks.  And there is no time to do what you want to do.  In this article, Dr Sherri Jacobson talks about the psychological cost of never saying no. It leads to bad relationships, anxiety, stress, depression, divorce, breakups and burnouts. 

This is a constant battle as I need to stay aware of my capacities and in times of weakness my default setting reverts to saying yes to everything!  And suddenly, I'm looking at the week ahead and wonder how I got myself entangled into so many things. Writing about it now makes me laugh!  Being a mother, a wife, a daughter, all at once creates those never ending jobs and responsibilities, whether they are real or imaginary. I had to learn to pace myself, I had to learn what were my weaknesses, the time of the day or night when they would show up, and I started to learn to say:

I can't promise anything now.
I'll think about it.
I will let you know.
I am not sure how my schedule looks like. 
I need to consult with X before I can respond.

That's been my path towards saying no, more of a soft landing. I am healing, and the realization has immensely helped in my recovery. I am getting better and sometimes, NO shows up!

In regards to the Imposter Syndrome, I found this graphic from a really cool article on the 5 types of Imposter Syndrome (and how to overcome it!) by By Vanessa Van Edwards.

I know what I can do and what my capacities are but somehow, I don't believe they are enough.  It is certainly related to all kinds of trauma or belief systems that move from generations. Apparently, 70% of people feel this way, and the vast majority are women and people of colour.  In my case, I think I have the superwoman problem where I want to solve all the issues that show up because I want to smooth things around me all the time. 
 

The Superwoman or Superman loves to take on more responsibility. They have a hard time saying no and often work harder than their peers. A superwoman or superman often juggles many tasks at once, even to the point of over-exhaustion.

Here are signs you may be a superwoman/man:

    You juggle multiple tasks at once—work, chores, school, side business, etc.
    You often find yourself working overtime, even past your normal team’s working hours.
    You neglect your friends, family, or hobbies in order to work more.

Impostor Fix: Chances are, if you’re running in super mode, you’re also a people pleaser. You strive to do good not only for yourself but for others. You want to impress, and taking on extra responsibility is your idea to get there.

 Read more at: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/impostor-syndrome/

How to Deal With Impostor Syndrome in 6 Steps - some great tips!
Read more at: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/impostor-syndrome/

I have personally been using a journal to write down my thoughts, hopes, fears and sources of anxiety. I try to pray and meditate every day and practice yoga at least twice a week to calm my body and mind. I've chosen passwords that are self affirming positive sentences. Given the number of passwords we use every day, they become reminders.  Positive self talk is important and I used to cringe when I would hear my father every morning telling himself as he looked in the mirror what a great guy he was. It worked. He did amazing all his life.

I set small goals and set a time table for myself that includes moments of fun.  I go mad and set a timer for the chores so they are done quick, because I know the things I enjoy are coming.  I've written them down.

Give it a shot and share how you are doing!

I don't think Seinfeld has any issues with Imposter Syndrome! Enjoy the laugh and the memory.